


All Els go to Heaven and Byleth goes to H(EL)L

by LesbianDragon_LD



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: 6 Els and 1 Byleth this was a pain, Crack, Cunnilingus, Dom/sub Undertones, Edeleth, F/F, Moresomes, Oral Sex, Orgy, Selfcest, eir appears for 2 seconds only, kiran only appears to make the disasters happen, the most crack I've ever cracked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:41:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22244269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianDragon_LD/pseuds/LesbianDragon_LD
Summary: At the Order of Heroes, Byleth finds herself alone. And Kiran is absolutely determined to end her loneliness.So Kiran manages to summon heroes from Byleth's world, but they're only half a dozen Edelgards.Suddenly there were six top Edelgards ready to pounce on a poor bottom Byleth.And Byleth can't determine if that's a dream or a nightmare.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 23
Kudos: 168





	All Els go to Heaven and Byleth goes to H(EL)L

**Author's Note:**

> This is the crackiest crack I've ever written (so far) and it's my most dumbass smut. So naturally I'm very proud.  
> Anyway, this was my 50th fic to celebrate getting 420 followers on twitter because I took a joke way too far.  
> Unrelated but IntSys doesn't feed me alt!Edelgards so I had to cook them myself, which is why they have weird 'nicknames.'
> 
> Enjoy my worst mess so far!

Only a couple of days had passed since Byleth was summoned to the Order of Heroes.  
It had been a strange experience in her life for sure, but Byleth was slowly getting accustomed to it. For one, she didn’t know any heroes there, as none were from her world. But since Byleth had always been reserved and Kiran, Alfonse, Sharena and Anna (not her world’s Anna though, but Byleth wasn’t even close to her world’s Anna to begin with) were kind enough to suffice as company. And second of all, it was more like a vacation other than anything. Sure, Kiran summoned her for battles once in a while, but they were never anything that special. She always ended up in great teams and there was rarely any problem, which resulted in easy wins and a lot of free time in her hands.  
Life was honestly going pretty great for Byleth.  
Sure, she missed the people in her life from her own world. She especially missed her father and her students from her Black Eagles house. Heck, she even missed Manuela’s drunk rants about knights and Hanneman’s long rambles about crests if she was to be fully honest.  
Kiran noticed that Byleth seemed lonely however, and she was determined to bring Byleth some friends from her world that she missed so much. Her goal was to summon Byleth’s family and her students, so Kiran saved up on orbs for a massive summoning session. She did her research, trying to find out the best summoning rituals to summon heroes that were specifically from Byleth’s world, and from her timeline as well.  
What Kiran never counted on, however, was that in all of her summoning sessions she would only summon one single person Byleth knew. And she would summon her not once, nor twice…but six times.  
After her sessions and explaining the situation to all heroes who had been summoned, Kiran left the ones from Byleth’s world for last. Once everything else was taken care of, Kiran happily rushed to Byleth’s room, absolutely excited to give the proven professor the happy news.

“Byleth! Byleth, I have your friends!” Kiran joyfully shouted as she banged on Byleth’s door, excited to see Byleth finally smile.

Byleth opened her door in seconds, giving Kiran the same boring look and stoic face she usually kept. 

“You have my friends?” Byleth repeated, confused.

“Yes! Your friends! Well, technically I have one friend!” Kiran replied, doing her best not to jump up and down with excitement, “You remember how you’ve told me about Edelgard? I brought you Edelgard! Now you won’t be so alone!”  
Before Byleth could protest, Kiran grabbed her hand and dragged her out of her room.

“Come on! They’re all waiting on one of the resorts, and we’re gonna meet them! They’re so excited too!”

But as Kiran continued and guided Byleth out of the palace in Askr, Byleth couldn’t help become confused at what she was hearing;

“Wait…’they’? ‘All’? Didn’t you say you only had Edelgard?” Byleth asked, and Kiran suddenly stopped.

Kiran slapped her own forehead, as if she realized her own ignorance.

“Oh, right! Maybe I didn’t tell you…didn’t I tell you, Byleth? Sometimes the same hero from different timelines will show up! Why did you think there were male and female Corrins and Robins around? Or so many Camillas and Lucinas dressed differently?”

Byleth stared, mouth slightly agape.

“So they’re…the same person? From different times or worlds?”

Kiran sighed.

“Didn’t you question it?”

“N-no…” Byleth confessed, slightly embarrassed, “I thought they were all brothers and sisters…”

“Really, Byleth?” Kiran couldn’t help teasing, snickering, “brothers and sisters…with the same names and appearances?”

“Well…Anna said she had a bunch of sisters who looked like her, and they’re all named Anna. I thought it was the same thing.”

Suddenly Kiran fell quiet, as if deep in thought.

“You know…that does make sense. Actually that makes a lot of sense. You may not look like it but you have a big brain, Byleth!” Kiran let out, before groaning again, “UGH! Why didn’t I ever question that! Your logic is hurting my head and now I can’t unsee it!”

Byleth apologized, unsure of what she was even apologizing for. But Kiran dismissed the whole thing as she repeated that the Edelgards were, indeed, the same person. And Byleth couldn’t help feeling nervous, with a bad feeling in her gut that she couldn’t quite explain. It was like feeling anxious, but when you’re not even sure of what you’re anxious about. The more you think about it, the more it makes you realize that you just can’t explain it.  
As they walked and Byleth felt worse at what was to come, she decided to question Kiran;

“So…how many Edelgards are there, Kiran?”

But the summoner merely hummed a happy tone, singing that Byleth would see it when they got there, much to Byleth’s despair. For some weird reason, like some sort of déjà vu, Byleth imagined herself between two Edelgards. And immediately she regretted ever thinking about it, getting embarrassed at the sheer depravity of what she had imagined. That was a road of conflict over moral implications and repressed sexuality that Byleth definitely didn’t want to go down to.  
They finally reached the resort after a long walk that felt like an eternity.  
And Kiran rang a bell at the gate to let the residents inside the resort know they had arrived.  
Byleth merely gulped, still unable to understand why she was so nervous.  
She had never been that nervous.  
But she had seen her father this nervous one day, before he headed for a very dangerous mission, alone, where he didn’t know if he’d make it out alive.  
He’d called it “waiting at Hell’s door”, whatever that meant.  
But now Byleth felt the same, despite knowing she would face no monsters or murderers or bandits. No deadly fire or ice that would burn or freeze her body. No crushing threat that would make her cheat death in order to survive.  
Nope.  
Just Edelgard.  
Her best student, the beautiful and sweet young woman she loved to talk to.  
And yet it frightened her.  
When the gate finally did open, however, Byleth saw familiar white hair and lavender eyes…and she smiled once she recognized Edelgard, who was happy to see her as well. Edelgard called Byleth by her familiar nickname of “my teacher!” before throwing herself in her arms for an unexpected hug. And Byleth was joyful to receive her embrace, hugging her back.  
She heard Kiran go “aw” behind them, and the sweet moment that was almost too perfect to be true was cut short once Byleth saw more Edelgards approaching.  
Five of them, to be exact.  
Five Edelgards throwing themselves on top of Byleth to hug her in a huge group hug. And Byleth could only scream internally.

“I can see you guys will get along just fine!” Kiran commented as she laughed, happy she made Byleth less lonely while making all the Edelgards happy to see their teacher, “I have to go back to help Marth and Ike do their daily training, but I can see I’m leaving Byleth in good hands! I’ll come pick you up for battles in a few days! Until then, my ladies!”

And just like that, Kiran was gone, disappearing as she walked off into the sunset.  
And Byleth was so overwhelmed with strange emotions that she thought her still heart would explode and she was going to die.  
When Kiran had truly left, the Edelgards finally released Byleth.  
Byleth was a nervous puddle and she didn’t quite understand why, but the Edelgards were all happy and cheerful as they surrounded her, telling Byleth how much they had missed her and asking Byleth if she was alright, ever so sweetly and gently.  
For a moment Byleth thought if it was possible that Claude had accidentally poisoned her soup with strange mushrooms again, and if she was in fact hallucinating in Manuela’s infirmary as she dreamt about the whole Order of Heroes.  
But a pinch on her own arm confirmed to her that this was all very real.  
She carefully studied the Edelgard’s before her.  
The one that had first hugged her was her student she was so used to seeing in her class, and she seemed to be the youngest Edelgard as the others seemed to be somewhere between early to mid twenties.  
The second one had red regal armor, and a cape with the symbol of the Empire. She also wore a crown with horns, and she seemed to be the Edelgard who had become the Emperor of Adrestia, as her student was meant to become one day.  
These two seemed fairly normal.  
But the remaining four…oh, the remaining four…  
The third Edelgard was for some reason dressed in a dancer outfit, similar to the ones that songstresses and the dancers boosting up morale in battle wore. And Byleth had to admit, that thing was indeed designed to boost a lot of morale with its design that left little to imagination.  
The fourth Edelgard was a lot more modest. She wore some sort of colorful dress, as if she had stepped out of some festival. It reminded her of some festive heroes strolling around the palace in Askr dressed in similar garbs.  
The fifth Edelgard seemed like she had just returned from visiting a beach, wearing summer clothes that were perfect to go swimming in but that, much like the third Edelgard, were a tad too revealing.  
And finally there was the sixth Edelgard, who was possibly the most strange out of all of them. Byleth was sure there could be no good reason for that Edelgard to be wearing a revealing suit with fake bunny ears atop her head and a cotton bunny tail sticking out of her suit’s backside, finishing with a cute red lace bow on her collar.  
If Byleth wasn’t dying before, she sure was now.

“Byleth?” Emperor Edelgard called out to her, but Byleth was absolutely lost as she stared ahead, face stoic and devoid of emotion as she froze.

“I think her head stopped working” the dancer Edelgard commented.

“It was probably too much for her” the bunny girl Edelgard let out, “I believe I am to blame.”

The other Edelgards shot her a bored look, rolling their eyes.

“Oh, shove it! You’re all just jealous because my wife said my outfit was her favorite so far!” bunny girl Edelgard huffed, only for the festive Edelgard to protest;

“Please, we are all the same person! We all had hot roleplays when making love to Byleth. Well, except for the shorty over here!”

“Hey! Careful with that tongue! As far as I’m concerned, I stopped growing after I turned eighteen, so we’re all the same height!” the student Edelgard protested, appalled with her older versions, “besides, that’s unbecoming of me. Treat yourself with more respect!”

As all the Edelgards started to argue, they failed to see Byleth slowly come back to earth after her shock…only to immediately want to bury her head in sand once she heard, through their ‘fight’, that all the Edelgards were married to a Byleth just like her. Well, all except one. But even if she was all alone, the younger Edelgard was as fierce about her love for Byleth as her older counterparts were.  
And Byleth felt like a small and scared mouse stuck in the same room as six hungry cats who were ready to jump on her if she didn’t thread carefully.  
So Byleth cleared her throat.  
And all those lavender eyes turned to her, eating her alive as they stared.  
And Byleth whimpered slightly.

“C-could you please…stop arguing?” Byleth quietly let out.

But to her surprise, it worked. All Edelgards started to apologize, and things seemed to calm down a little. But before Byleth could truly relax and feel in control, the Edelgard that seemed to be ready for the beach spoke;

“Before you arrived, we were discussing things…sharing stories, that is. And we realized that we have so many stories that we all lived through that…well, we’re the same Edelgard. But at different points in time.”

“It’s true, my teacher” student Edelgard confirmed once Byleth cocked her head to the side, confused, “we’re the same Edelgard, married to the same Byleth. Or, in my case, to marry the same Byleth…and from what Kiran told us…well…”

As student Edelgard’s voice died out, Byleth only became even more confused.  
But Emperor Edelgard clarified things for her;

“Kiran pretty much confirmed, through stories she told about you, that you are indeed our Byleth.”

There was an awkward silence that filled the air after Emperor Edelgard uttered those words.  
Byleth felt all the lavender eyes on her as they waited for a reaction.

“That’s…possible…” Byleth shyly admitted, her cheeks burning red, “I…I do like you, Edelgard…I can’t say I haven’t thought about it…”

It was bunny girl Edelgard who was the first to approach Byleth. She slithered to Byleth’s side, hands roaming Byleth’s arm as they gently caressed her and played with the straps that kept the armor piece on Byleth’s arm in its place, teasing that they would undress her.

“Well…that pretty much confirms that you are, indeed, mine…” the bunny girl Edelgard purred on Byleth’s ear, as Byleth screamed internally.

“Easy there, carrots” Emperor Edelgard warned, “you don’t even know if our wife is interested in…that.”

“’That’? What is ‘that’?” Byleth asked them, with absolute dread on her face.

Immediately all Edelgards fell silent.  
Until Emperor Edelgard decided to explain.

“Byleth…when Kiran told us you were here…well…”

“We want to make love to you. All of us” the beach Edelgard nonchalantly replied, and Byleth couldn’t help a confused yelp.

“O-only if you want to! We’d never hurt you, Byleth!” the festive Edelgard was quick to add.

“But, you know…if you do want it, your other version and I were in the middle of an interesting night before Kiran summoned me…” the bunny girl Edelgard purred yet again, her hands still on Byleth’s arm as she clung to her, “and I have to admit that unfinished business left me incredibly frustrated.”

Byleth was sure she had a fever, because she had never felt her body so hot before that day. She couldn’t even reply coherently, merely stuttering words as she tried to say something.

“Great, our bottom is overwhelmed” the dancer Edelgard sighed, as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“B-bottom?” Byleth repeated after she came to her senses, composing herself enough to finally utter words.

“We’re your wives! Not the youngest one, but the rest of us are your wives. We know how you love to behave in bed, Byleth” the Emperor Edelgard let out, before the bunny girl Edelgard interrupted;

“Yes, definitely! I remember one time you dressed up in a maid’s outfit and you told me you wanted me to spill wine all over my lap so that you could clean my-“

“Alright! Alright! That’s enough!” Byleth cried out, still red, “I get it, you know what makes me excited!”

“So, do you want this?” the bunny girl Edelgard asked again, and Byleth could see all Edelgards watching her expectantly.

Byleth was a bit nervous, of course. But she wanted it. She wanted it so bad. The thoughts of being topped by the Edelgards made her wet, made her knees go weak…so Byleth, embarrassed, swallowed hard. And she said yes.

“Such a good girl!” the bunny girl Edelgard praised her, getting in the tip of her toes to press an innocent kiss in Byleth’s cheek. 

But that gesture seemed to make the other Edelgards jealous, and it didn’t take long before Byleth found herself being pounced on. She felt Emperor Edelgard cup her face to kiss her, possessive and rough. And she felt the dancer Edelgard slither behind her, her hands roaming over Byleth’s breasts over her clothes.  
Before the remaining Edelgards could approach, Byleth ordered them to stop, and they stopped immediately. Byleth suggested they went inside before someone saw them, and the whole group agreed.  
They made their way deep inside the resort, and reached a master bedroom with the biggest bed. As soon as they entered, Byleth found herself being undressed by various pairs of hands, her head occasionally being turned so that she could kiss the Edelgard that was closest to her. As they undressed her, Byleth felt hands groping and touching her in ways that made her head spin with pleasure. They hadn’t lied when they said they knew what Byleth loved the most in bed.  
Byleth found herself completely naked soon after, and she noticed how the Edelgards still had clothes on. It was almost like they had…planned something.  
But Byleth didn’t get much time to question it as the Edelgards let the student Edelgard lead Byleth to bed. She was a bit nervous, almost as nervous as Byleth, but she did her best to try to hide it. She tried to sound dominant as she told Byleth to lie on her back while the remaining Edelgards watched.  
Once Byleth lied down as she was told, she felt the student Edelgard climb on top of her, straddling her and bending down to kiss Byleth’s lips. For a single moment, Byleth forgot everything around her, focusing only on that one Edelgard as she wrapped her arms around the younger woman and deepened their kiss.  
She was so lost that she barely noticed the bunny girl Edelgard lie down on the bed next to them, one of her hands sliding up Byleth’s body to play with her chest. Byleth yelped in surprise upon feeling that hand, and the student Edelgard pulled away from her.  
Another Edelgard approached, and this time it was the dancer Edelgard. She sat down on the bed beside Byleth’s head, and her fingers traced Byleth’s lips.

“Such a wonderful mouth you have” the dancer Edelgard purred, “maybe you should start using it on your wives, hm?”

Byleth nodded, her mouth watering as she realized what this Edelgard was suggesting.

“The most desperate one can go first” the festive Edelgard teased, as she nestled herself in between Byleth’s legs, “have fun on your first time with Byleth, teacher’s pet!”

Byleth thought that was a tad hypocritical and mean, but she saw that student Edelgard didn’t care. She moved to remove her shorts, tights and undergarments before she climbed on top of Byleth again. She moved to sit on Byleth’s face, still shaking a bit from being nervous. But Byleth eyed her with a reassuring look under her, and Edelgard felt confident enough to finally lower herself to meet Byleth’s lips. As she nestled on top of Byleth, Byleth’s hands gripped her thighs to hold in place. And then Byleth started eating.  
The student Edelgard started to moan upon feeling Byleth’s tongue work on her, and Byleth herself moaned into her wet sex when she felt the festive Edelgard’s tongue trace her labia.  
The hands of both dancer Edelgard and bunny girl Edelgard roaming her body, each to each side of Byleth, didn’t help much either. It just made Byleth feel even more overwhelmed as the bunny girl Edelgard fondled her breasts while the dancer Edelgard moved down, fingers pinching and teasing Byleth’s clit as the festive Edelgard kept licking Byleth’s wet sex.  
When the student Edelgard came on Byleth’s mouth, Byleth cleaned her up, licking every precious drop of her taste. Student Edelgard was delighted, but she moved to give another Edelgard her turn. She moved to bunny Edelgard’s side, and to Byleth’s surprise (and arousal) she saw student Edelgard make out with bunny girl Edelgard.  
Which was very unexpected but a very wonderful sight.  
She didn’t have much time to appreciate it though, because she felt the dancer Edelgard’s hands reach for her head, turning Byleth to face her as she clashed her lips onto Byleth’s with hunger.  
Byleth melted, moaning from the pleasure of still being eaten out by festive Edelgard as dancer Edelgard kissed her, rough and possessive. She was loving it, but then Byleth felt the dancer Edelgard being yanked back. And she saw that it had been Emperor Edelgard who pulled her back.

“Now, there’s enough Byleth for everyone…but I do believe it’s my turn” the Emperor Edelgard purred, only for the dancer Edelgard to pout.

“Weren’t you having fun with sunny beaches over there, ‘Your Majesty’?” the dancer Edelgard huffed.

“She got too tired” was all that Emperor Edelgard could reply, before she bent down to kiss Byleth just like dancer Edelgard was kissing her only seconds before.

When the Emperor Edelgard pulled away, Byleth was able to glance behind her…and she saw the Edelgard wearing summer clothes half naked, utterly debauched on a couch and her sex glistening with her juices as she panted and tried to recover from a very intense love making session.  
How Byleth had failed to notice the two Edelgards humping like animals during heat in the background was beyond Byleth’s comprehension, but then again she was so overwhelmed with hands, tongues and moans that it was reasonable that it would have escaped her notice.  
The sight, however, coupled with more kisses from Emperor Edelgard and strokes from festive Edelgard’s tongue was enough to make Byleth thrust her hips into festive Edelgard’s mouth, and she came soon after.  
The Edelgards didn’t give her much of a moment to rest though, as it didn’t take long before the Emperor Edelgard was pulling her pants and undergarments down, ready to sit on Byleth’s face as well.  
And before Byleth could fully recover, dancer Edelgard and festive Edelgard had switched places, with dancer Edelgard fingering Byleth’s wet sex as festive Edelgard snuggled with Byleth, her mouth leaving bites and love marks on Byleth’s breasts.  
Byleth moaned into Emperor Edelgard’s sex as she ate her out, while the rest of the Edelgards watched and touched themselves, and each other.  
They kept swapping amongst themselves as they made Byleth lie down on that bed, eating out each and every single one of them as they touched Byleth and brought Byleth to orgasm over and over again.  
Fingers, tongues, a strap that bunny girl Edelgard had accidentally brought back with her and had managed to hide from Kiran’s view. Everything went inside Byleth that day, and Byleth was both drowning in pleasure in her personal heaven and absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed as if she was in hell.  
When all of her Edelegards were finally satisfied, they all fell asleep on the bed and couch inside the room. Byleth was the first one to pass out, having so many orgasms in such a short amount of time that she had literally slumped head first into the pillows at some point.  
It wasn’t until late in the afternoon of the next day that Kiran, blissfully unaware, visited the women at the resort again.  
She rang the bell, and the festive Edelgard was the one to answer.

“I need to summon Byleth!” Kiran explained, “I have a great team but I could use the advantage of the Sword of the Creator because of the units who-“

“Sorry, Kiran, Byleth’s unavailable” the festive Edelgard replied, as the student Edelgard appeared behind her to see what was going on.

“Oh…is she sick?” Kiran asked, now worried, “I could get an healer, I really need her to-“

“Nope! She needs to rest, that’s all!” the student Edelgard quickly interrupted, her cheeks burning a bit red.

“Oh…okay” Kiran let out, but still persistent, “can I at least sit down and talk to her about-“

“She can’t sit down. Or talk, for that matter. She’s too sore in her jaw and her-” the festive Edelgard laughed, and the student Edelgard was quick to pinch her arm for her to shut up.

“She’s…sore?” Kiran asked, as shocked as she was fearful and concerned, “did…did you beat her up at training?” 

“More or less” the festive Edelgard laughed again before the student Edelgard pinched her again and threatened her.

Then, the student Edelgard politely excused both her and her older self as she apologized, and asked Kiran to let her professor rest for one more day.  
Kiran retreated, but the worry never left her mind.  
Did the Edelgards really beat up a poor and defenseless Byleth? Something didn’t seem right. So Kiran retreated to the library, determined to find out what had happened.  
She collected a book about the universe and timeline of the Edelgards and the Byleth, and she sat down at the table to read. She skimmed through the pages of history, and nothing.  
Absolutely nothing that would suggest Edelgard hated Byleth.  
Kiran was so focused that she barely even noticed Eir come in.

“Kiran…? What are you reading?”

Startled, Kiran turned back to her. For a moment she imagined Edelgard with an axe ready to swing at her, and it scared her. But she relaxed upon realizing it was only Eir.

“Oh, I was researching about new heroes…it’s Edelgard and Byleth. I think the Edelgards hurt Byleth badly, but I can’t seem to find a reason why.”

“I see…that seems so cruel…are they enemies?” Eir softly asked, as she sat next to Kiran.

Kiran merely shook her head.

“No…they’re wives! Which just makes it more absurd…I thought that maybe it was a fallout from their relationship, but every document tells that the two were always close until the end of their days. Everything says they were happy and loved each other, and there is no mention of a single incident!”

“What a strange paradox…” Eir couldn’t help commenting, as she peeked over Kiran’s shoulder to read the book.

Kiran sighed, her hands over her head as she grew more desperate.

“There really is nothing…I can’t understand why someone would just turn on their loving wif-“

Suddenly Kiran stopped, and Eir asked her what was wrong.  
Kiran had found mentions to a document on one page, and she read it to herself.  
‘Scholars later found a diary, believed to have belonged to the Emperor herself and written during the days after her retirement. The diary contained a list and detailed descriptions of sexual encounters between the Emperor and her wife, with most of them being very intense sexual fantasies. Whether the diary was genuine or fake, or even if it was nothing more than a simple prank (which is what scholars are inclined to believe), some scholars still often made sexual jokes about the depraved imperial couple.’

Kiran closed the book so fast and her cheeks burned so red that Eir couldn’t help asking her what was wrong.

“I’ll just ask someone else to fill in Byleth’s role for a while” Kiran let out, embarrassed, “and I’ll make sure to never walk into that resort without knocking first.”


End file.
